Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Happen Stance

I was an agnostic all my life. I just could not believe things that I had not seen or experienced myself. Some people I knew were militant atheists. These people were quite certain that God did not exist and they mocked anyone who believed in God. But there was something about the extreme certainty about God's non existence that Atheists subscribed to which bothered me. I did not believe in God because I had not met one but there was no way I could rule out the possibility.

God's existence was a concept that fascinated me as I saw more of life. I wanted God to exist but I had a sinking feeling that there were no such thing. Living beings existing on Earth looked like it was just a random occurrence. Our placement on Earth seemed to have no divine connection. But just when I was coming to terms with my inner conflict about God, I came into contact with a person who would reignite my fascination with the Divine subject.

At first, it seemed remarkable to me that such a brilliant person would even contemplate befriending a common person like me. He was one of the most sough after intellectuals in the world with a plethora of achievements to his name. He had made the most of life. Money, fame, intellect, success; he had it all. Though I was not doing too badly myself, there was very less chance someone like him would ever seek out someone like me for company. But that is exactly what happened.

It was a crowded restaurant and I was sitting alone at my table minding my own business. Just when I was about to leave, he tapped me on my shoulder and asked me if he could sit next to me as there was no place available. I was only too happy to oblige. And then we struck a conversation. I was immediately impressed with his erudition, wit, humour, intellect and sagely wisdom. Two hours flew by and there we were discussing the finer details of anything and everything. I was lucky that I was taken by surprise. If I was prepared I would have been too inhibited to even blurt out two sentences properly.

As fate would have it, he had enjoyed my company very much. There was a glimmer in his eyes as we parted company. We decided to meet again as soon as his busy schedule permitted. A few months later, I got a call from him regarding meeting again and I jumped at the opportunity. Even though he had scheduled only for an hour we ended up talking for four hours. As were about to part, I decided to ask him a question whose answer would change my life. I asked him "So what do you think about God? Do you think the chap exists?" "Ofcourse God exists. I have even met God" he replied smilingly and walked away

The next few weeks I was obsessed with that revelation. My friend was a highly intelligent person, infact the most intelligent person I ever encountered. And he said he had met God! That shook the very core of my existence. I could think of nothing else. Of course, there was an off chance that he had meant it as a joke but I knew it in my bones that he was not kidding. I decided to pursue the matter further by inviting him for another meeting. We met and discussed as usual. I had kept this issue for last and when we were about to depart I asked him what he had meant about meeting God. I expected him to be his jovial self while replying to the question. Instead, his discomfort was readily apparent. 

After much cajoling and prodding, he told me "If you really want to experience God, then wish for it with your entire heart and soul. If you are worthy, you will have your wish fulfilled." With those cryptic words, he departed. We were never to meet again as his work took him to another city but the memories of his ready warmth, generosity and friendship stayed with me.

I had failed to make head or tail about his proclamation regarding experiencing God. It did not provide a practical protocol which I could easily follow. I just needed to wholeheartedly remember God and somehow if I was worthy, God might emerge. It reminded me of holy religious scriptures wherein a form of God would appear before true devotees. This approach did not seem too likely to work. Nevertheless, out of respect for my friend's intellect, I followed his suggestion with utmost sincerity. Every day for the subsequent three months, I meditated for hours at end wishing to experience God first hand.

Some times I would go to a park near my home where I would close my eyes and embark on my meditative journey. After one such meditation session, I slowly opened my eyes and right in front of me was a gentleman observing me intently. I had never seen him before but there was a powerful vibration around him which was immediately noteworthy. He had sharp features and a radiant countenance. He also looked like he was from another country. "Do you wish to meet God" he asked. "Yes" I muttered, quite astonished with the turn of events. "Then come with me. If you are lucky you may experience divinity"

It all seemed too surreal to me. I pinched myself to check if I was dreaming. But the pain from the pinch suggested otherwise. He took me to a nearby hotel which was exceedingly glitzy and posh. I did not know what to expect anymore. I was curious to know more about the Gentleman who had led me to the hotel. He turned out to be a European politician who had a highly distinguished and accomplished career. He had even been the Finance Minister of one of the smaller countries in Europe. I was wondering what I was doing with a person of such stature. It all felt like an unreal fairy tale.

"So are you ready to meet the all knowing and all seeing Supreme Lord." he asked with an eager look in his eyes.

"Yes. Absolutely" I said with conviction as his enthusiasm was highly contagious. 

Moments later we were joined by another person whose name I never got to know. I named him "The Worrier" in my head as he had three parallel worry lines on his forehead which was marring his otherwise good looking face. The three of us proceeded to the hotel's restaurant where we sat in a rather private corner. The worrier was looking at me rather appraisingly as if he was sizing me up. I decided to return the favour and observed him carefully. The first thing I noticed was that he seemed highly disturbed about something and was looking furtively at the European gentleman.  
"What does God want me to do?" he asked the European

"I don't know" was the reply.

"Just tell me what am I supposed to do?"

"I really don't know"

The worrier gave a defeated sigh at that reply and went back to appraising me.

"What about him?" he asked pointing at him.

"We need to fix up a meeting between him and the Supreme Lord" said the European matter of factly.

"But you are the messenger of God. You decide"

"No. Since he is from your country, you have the honour"

The worrier looked at me with a grin and responded "The meeting will happen at an appropriate time and place. I will reach out to you when you are ready". With those words he led me out of the hotel and waved a silent goodbye. He then proceeded to join the European at the restaurant. I stood at the exit of the hotel not knowing what struck me. The meeting had ended as abruptly as it had started. I was flummoxed and perplexed like I had never been before.

It has been seven years since that incident and I have not been contacted by either God or his messengers. But I have hope in my heart that the parting words of the worrier will come true. I know it in my bones that he meant them. All said and done, the incredible turn of events that I experienced left an indelible impression on me. The experience transformed me from a sceptical cynic into a firm believer. It convinced me of the existence of a Supreme Force which is All-Pervasive and All-Powerful.  

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

A change of life

Kris was staring at his glass of whisky quite intently. The golden liquid that had changed his life. Had made him a miserable pauper lout from the decent person that he used to be. He had known many people who had ruined their lives because of alcohol but they were all alcoholics who had abused their poison. His case was a strange one as he knew no one else who had suffered like him. He was a victim to a strange affliction caused by alcohol. A disorder that nobody could believe or understand. Alcohol would randomly trigger such psychological effects in Kris that it would change him as a person. It would drastically alter his personality in such a way that he would become a different person after the attack. He would retain no resemblance to the person that he used to be. The only aspect that remained with him was his memories. He had been four different personalities in his lifetime. Four different lives. And today he was drinking so that he could change again because his last personality was the worst. He could no longer face his life as he had lost everything. Now, the only option left with him was to change and he knew that the only way he could change was to trigger the attack deliberately. He had been drinking every day for the past ten days in the hope that it would lead to an attack. So far, it had eluded him but he had a feeling that today would be the day it would strike him. He had a feeling in his gut that at the end of the day he would be a changed man. And this time hopefully, for the better. He poured himself a fourth glass of cheap whisky, the only kind he could afford, and waited patiently for the magic to unfold. As he was drinking, he started reminiscing about what he was and what he had become. He could vividly remember the night the first attack had hit him.

It was three years back, on the night of his friend’s birthday. Then, he was twenty seven and happy and was leading a quiet life with a well established business of distributing medicines. It earned him enough to lead a comfortable lifestyle if not a lavish one. He was devoted to his cute wife, Martha, who in-turn loved him and cared for him genuinely. He was respectful to people and generally followed rules as long as it made sense. That time, everyone liked him as he had a soft and endearing personality. He used to drink moderately and only during social occasions. On the fateful night, he remembered he was having a glass of Scotch and was enjoying the celebrations around him when he suddenly felt giddy. He excused himself and sped to the spare room at his friend’s place.  
As soon as he lied down on the bed he knew he was in trouble. He could hear sirens all around and everything was spinning around him. He closed his eyes and felt that he was transported into some sort of a nightmare. He was visualizing things he had never seen before. Colorful images of ghost-like creatures which were constantly rotating. His past life was moving in front of him in fast motion and there were constant noises of ambulance sirens which seemed to be very near to the room. Then, things slowed down significantly and he was facing some sort of a countdown. He could see two distinct images in his visual imagination. One image was plain dark which would sometimes change into faces of his loved ones. The other image was a swirling collection of colours. As moments passed, the colours started overpowering the plain dark image and slowly and steadily the plain dark images were reducing. The colours were dominating his visual screen and as soon as the colours completely covered the screen, the sirens started again. The colours started rotating in his mind. First, slowly and then the pace increased as each moment passed. Kris eventually fell asleep as the rotation and the sirens subsided.

He woke up the next morning when his friend shook him up and greeted him with a knowing smile. Kris was still disoriented after the previous night and quickly excused himself to leave for home. He could not wait to reach home and make sense of last night. He was noticing that his hands were shaking while he was driving his car. He did not instantly realize that he had changed as a person. But over time, he started realizing that the night had altered him in a fundamental way. He had stopped taking care of his business. His wife was filing for divorce proceedings as he had started regularly beating her violently which he had never done before. His friends were deserting him as he had developed a fiery temper. He also became a more charitable person as he started distributing cash to the first needy person he met. He informed his parents that he was quitting his business as he no longer had any inclinations for it. His parents attributed his change to the divorce and they felt that the trauma of separation was affecting him severely and thus were supportive of his decision. After a month of staying with his parents, he decided to become an artist. He felt urges to convert the images that he could see in his head into the canvas. Following his natural instincts, he bought himself a canvas and painting tools. He had never done serious painting before and the new experience was exhilarating. He painted half a dozen paintings in no time and was getting recognition of his talent whenever he displayed his paintings to others.

After six months of the first attack, he took stock of the situation. He knew that things had changed after the incident but he was not able to pinpoint alcohol as the trigger. He was leading a different life in the past six months as he had become a different person. He was noticing the minute and not so minute changes in his personality. Before, he was a very tidy person who wanted things at its place. After, everything in his room had become a mess. Before, he liked simple movies with simple messages whereas after he no longer enjoyed such movies and preferred complex and abstract movies. Before, he loved chocolate. After, he detested it. There were more than hundred traits that had changed after the attack. On the whole, he felt that his life had taken a turn for the worse as the separation from his wife had left a huge vacuum in his life. Before, he seldom experienced sadness. After, he was seldom experiencing happiness. The only aspect that provided comfort to him was his paintings. The reviews provided by other artists were mostly positive. They criticized the lack of technical knowledge but without exception everyone realized his talent with colours. He could add dimensions to colours and create visuals that would leave people open-mouthed with delight. His paintings were now the only area of his life that kept him going.

He had also started drinking more as he believed alcohol provided him inspiration for his paintings. One day, while he was having a drink alone at home, the attack struck him again. He looked at the glass of whisky and finally made the connection that it was alcohol which triggered his attacks. He crisscrossed his way to the room and fell into the bed with a thud. The nightmare had begun. This time, the attack was even worse than the previous one. He felt that he was falling down deep into a never ending abyss and was virtually hoping for a crash. Strange music was playing inside his head, a hypnotic rhythm which kept repeating itself. Suddenly the music stopped and a scream started as if his subconscious was ringing the alarm bells. The scream kept increasing its intensity until he felt his head would explode. The nightmare lasted for more than an hour until he finally fell asleep.

The next morning when he woke up, he was a changed man. His thought process had changed. His perspective had altered from the previous night. His focus was distorted and his observational skills were diminished. He also felt more relaxed and the rate of his heartbeat was also perceptibly slower from his previous avatar. At first, Kris did not realize the change in his personality. But after a few months, he slowly started realizing the deep and structural changes that he was going through as a human being. After the attack, his paintings skills had completely vanished. He was painting like a ten year old with no propensity to wield the brush. It all hit him at once. He was first shattered that he had lost the ability to paint and later he slowly started piecing together the jigsaw puzzle. Finally, he pieced together the facts and understood that the attacks post drinking were causing him to change as a person. He promised himself that he would never drink again. But by this time, he was feeling completely depressed. His well-wishers., especially his parents, were wondering how a capable person like him had morphed into a crazy ball of despair. After his initial display of painting prowess, he was hoping that it would help him sustain his life while providing a channel for his suffering. Now all hopes seemed lost. For around a whole year, he was completely unproductive. He had stopped talking to people, slept for around fourteen hours every day, and whiled away his time watching TV, mostly cartoons.

Kris’ parents were utmost concerned about the mental state of their child. Infact, even Kris’ father was falling into depression after seeing his son’s deterioration. The only person who managed to keep the atmosphere lively was Kris’ mother. She was always looking for ways to cheer up her husband and son. One evening, she prepared Apple cake for his son as she thought it was his favourite. She went into his room and lovingly fed him the cake with her own hands. Kris, no longer liked Apple cake as his preferences had changed since the last attack, but his eyes welled up with tears as he ate the cake. His mother carefully wiped his tears and hugged him for what seemed like an eternity. Kris suddenly felt a surge of power and energy by the affection shown to him by his mother. It was an act of unconditional love that mothers are known for universally. At that moment, he decided that he would stop disappointing his loved ones and would start providing a direction to his life. He took the classified sections of the newspaper and carefully scrolled his eyes for a job opening in the advertisement section. He concentrated for half an hour but he could not seem to find a job of his liking. Finally something caught his eyes. It was an ad for a land sale. He instinctively felt that he should pursue this opportunity. He had savings accumulated from his pharmaceutical distribution and the land owner was asking for an amount which would take up half his savings. It would be a significant risk for him but he decided to go with his intuition and pursue the land deal. And anyways, he was also sick of the inaction of the past year. Finally, there was an opportunity for action and he would not let go of this opportunity. He called up the number that was displayed on the ad and fixed up an appointment with the land owner. He felt a surge of excitement. At last, he was getting out of the rut. When he informed his parents about his intent to purchase the parcel of land, they were wary at the beginning but eventually relented after seeing Kris’ excitement.

The next day, Kris met the landowner at the site of the property to discuss the terms of the sale. After five minutes of routine conversation, Kris had an intuitive realization that something was amiss with the behavior of the landowner. He concluded that either the land owner was swindling him about the legality of the property or he was utterly desperate to sell the land. He immediately asked the land owner probing questions about any legal issues in the property. The owner satisfactorily answered all the questions and even showed him the legal documents pertaining to the property. This then meant that if he had to rely on his intuition, the landowner was desperate to sell the land. He decided to again rely on his intuition and offered the land owner 30% of the rate that he was asking in the ad. Kris expected the land owner to laugh at the ridiculous offer and was scared that he would be shooed away for being so naïve. Instead, the landowner gulped and almost begged Kris to increase the offer considering the market rate of the land. This was the moment when Kris realized that his intuition was indeed right. Only a person in desperate need of money could contemplate selling the land at such cheap rates. Kris, initially pleaded lack of funds with the owner but eventually relented to increase his offer marginally. The owner heaved a sigh of relief and readily shook hands on the revised offer. Kris later realized that the owner was heavily in debt and had to sell the land at such distressed rates to avoid bankruptcy. After the meeting, Kris readily made arrangements to purchase the property. Within a few days, the site was registered in his name and the documents were transferred.

Kris felt deep satisfaction as he held the property documents in his name. He knew that he was back in the game and felt proud that he was recovering from the abyss that he had fallen into. He then decided to talk to his father about the potential action steps to be taken on the land as his father had a fair idea of real estate. After analyzing all options, he concluded that constructing a residential apartment in the land would be the best choice as there were a lot of commercial spaces and offices around the property. He intuitively felt that people would prefer residing near to their office place and save on the commute time. But since he had no construction experience, he decided he would have to hire a contractor to construct the building. He immediately placed an ad in the newspaper to hire the services of a contractor.

The next week, he received a call from a gentleman who expressed interest in taking up the services. Kris scheduled an appointment for the same evening at a coffee shop near to his home. At the coffee shop, he saw a young man in his mid-twenties who seemed to be looking for someone. Kris ignored him as he was expecting the contractor to be a middle aged person. But he was utterly surprised when the young man approached him and asked for him and introduced himself as Mark. Kris would have normally rejected the young man immediately looking at his youth and perceptible inexperience. But something within him was stopping him. It was his intuition again. And by now, he had developed great respect for his intuition. He gave Mark a chance to explain his capabilities and was not disappointed. Inspite of his youth, Mark showed a lot of clarity of thought and understanding which extremely impressed Kris. And since this would be Mark’s first project he was offering his services at a 60% discount to the market rates prevailing for contractors. Kris, hid his excitement and expressed that he was skeptical of hiring Mark due to his inexperience. Immediately, Mark offered a further 30% discount to add to the earlier discount. Kris could not control his glee and burst out into a smile. He hired Mark on the spot.

With his remaining savings, he started the construction of the residential apartment along with Mark. Mark proved to be a quick learner and was hard working and honest to boot. With his dedication and intelligence, Mark was able to complete the construction quickly and cost effectively. It took no time for Kris to realize that he would be sitting on handsome profits once the apartments were sold. He thanked his stars for the luck and his intuition for the insights. He vowed never to drink again as he did not want to risk losing his enhanced intuition.

As Kris had expected, there was huge demand for the apartments from the office goers who preferred the convenience of a nearby home. The apartments were sold out in no time and in the process made Kris extremely rich. Kris had never seen so much money and did not know what to do with it. He paid Mark an extra bonus for his hard work and reserved the rest of the money for his next project. All this while, he had resisted all temptations to drink. These were the best times of his life and he did not want to ruin it. He was also glad that we able to make his parents happy again. The only person missing in his life was his ex-wife Martha. Kris still missed her a lot and was cursing his previous version for being such a stupid fool.

With this experience of constructing an apartment, he realized that real estate was his calling and was now on the hunt for the next property. He diligently started researching and came to know that there was a particular property that was being coveted by all the major real estate players. The property was in a central location of the city and many property developers in the market recognized the value in the property. But somehow, all the developers had failed to negotiate on the price with the owner of the property. The owner was an old widow who had just lost her husband and was planning to relocate to her daughter’s home as she did not feel comfortable staying alone at her home. For this reason, she was looking for buyers to sell her home to. This news had created a lot of buzz in real estate circles as the home was located in a prime locality. The property had attracted the attention of the major developers in the city and they were vying to meet the widow to purchase the property from her. Interestingly, none of the developers were able to convince her to sell the land. Kris again intuitively felt that a commercial property built at the widow’s home would sell like hot cakes and decided to give a shot at purchasing the property. The profits that he had made from the residential apartment would be more than enough to purchase the widow’s home and construct at it. Without scheduling an appointment he directly approached the widow’s home and rang the bell there. A servant opened the door and Kris was led inside to the hall after he mentioned the reason of visit. It looked like the servant was used to entertaining strangers looking to buy the property. A few minutes later, an old lady entered into the hall and introduced herself as Mrs. Thomas. Kris struck a conversation with her and talked to her about her daughter and her grandchildren. After an hour or so of routine conversation, the lady began discussing the sale of property. Mrs. Thomas asked Kris at what price he would be comfortable in purchasing the property. Kris’ intuition suggested that the price would be an important parameter for Mrs. Thomas in deciding the buyer. So, he decided to quote the prevailing market price rather than haggle for a discounted price. At the offer, Mrs. Thomas looked at Kris intensely for a while and then offered her hands. She had accepted the price. Kris could not believe his luck. He had been awarded with something that the major and experienced developers were coveting. He asked her the reason for accepting him as the buyer and not the other developers who had even more resources at their disposal. She replied that without exception all the developers who had approached her had considered her vulnerable and wanted to take advantage of her old age. Even though she was aware of the market price, the developers perceived her to be ignorant of market conditions. She said that Kris was the first potential buyer who had treated her with respect and offered her the proper market price. And that was all that Mrs. Thomas was looking for. Within a week, the transaction was consummated and Kris was the proud owner of Mrs. Thomas’ home.

Immediately he contacted Mark and asked him if his services were available again. Mark gladly assented and in no time got to work on the construction of a business centre at the property. As expected, the response for the property was phenomenal and again resulted in windfall profits for Kris. His quick growth in the real estate market had generated a lot of respect for Kris and he was considered as the one to watch out for in the future. Kris was exalted with the success that he had secured in such a short period of time. Even in his wildest imagination, he had not expected to earn so much money. He had never felt happier in his life. He recollected how depressed he was a couple of years ago. The magical moment when his mother fed him the apple cake had turned his life around. His intuition was also pivotal in getting him to where he was. But the more successful he was the more he felt that he was missing Martha by his side. He had kept track on Martha to see whether she had remarried and was glad that she had not. He considered calling her but could not muster the guts. He was ashamed of having abused her in his previous avatar and felt that he could not face her anymore.

Kris was also keen to continue his winning streak in real estate. He had organized a huge celebratory bash to mark his arrival in the big league. All the reputed people in the real estate industry were invited for the bash. He also wanted his parents to soak in the success and was looking forward to the bash with immense enthusiasm. When the celebrations began, he saw everyone enjoying their drinks and having a good time. Many people even asked him why he was not drinking. He resisted his temptations to drink but eventually caved in. He rationalized that if he drinks for one day it will do him no harm. And anyways, the celebrations were very important to him and he wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. It was worth the risk. When he took the first sip he felt his whole body relaxing. He had forgotten how good it felt. He involved himself in the celebrations with full gusto and poured himself another drink. While he was having the third round of scotch, he suddenly felt intuitively that he was committing a grave mistake and had gotten carried away in the celebrations. He immediately threw away the remaining drink and hoped that he would not have to suffer another attack. Unfortunately, it was not to be. A few minutes later his head started feeling heavy and giddy. He knew he had to crash to a room quickly or the invitees would feel that he was suffering from a bout of fits. He quickly approached Mark and asked him to find him a room in a nearby hotel. Mark was diligent as ever and quickly placed Kris in a room. As soon as Kris crashed into the bed, he realized that this attack would be the mother of all nightmares. He was blinded with intense pain on his temple and felt his heart pounding rapidly. The next few hours he had to go through intense headache and suffering before the pain subsided and he fell asleep.

The next morning, as Kris woke up, he understood he had changed. He groaned loudly and slapped himself on the face for getting carried away and breaking his promise. Just when things were finally working out so well for him he had ruined it. The previous night’s attack had left him extremely fatigued and exhausted. But he consoled himself that this time atleast he had a lot of money and he would be able to cope up in his life. He would not be crushed with sorrow as he was the last time the attack had struck him. Yes. He would have to cope up with the change. He was a changed person and he had to deal with it. At that moment, he looked out of the window to get some fresh air and on an impulse, started counting the cars that were running on the street. He had never done this before.  He had never been a numbers person in his life but now all he could think of was numbers. He was analyzing the distance from the bed to the bathroom. And at other times, he was taking two random numbers and multiplying it. Before he used to think in terms of images and words but now he could think of nothing but numbers. The amount of time it would take him to have a shower. The number of buttons in the remote channel. He suddenly realized that now that he had changed he would no longer have the enhanced intuition that served him so well. As if on cue, he starting counting the number of times his intuition had helped him in the previous version of his life. He then started calculating the amount of money he held in various bank accounts which was again a first in his life. He was surprised to feel that he no longer felt excited about his real estate business. What he had felt was his calling before no longer interested him. He felt more excited in drowning himself in numbers and making sense of the world through numbers.

He turned on the TV and was flicking through the channel when he came across a business channel. He was suddenly intrigued by the stock tickers that kept whizzing by on the bottom side of the channel. He had seen it in the previous lives as well but it had never intrigued him before. Now, he was completely fascinated by the numbers that suggested so many things to people who understood what it meant. At that moment, he realized what his new calling would be. The stock markets. It was a treasure trove of numbers which could be understood and analyzed. He was seized by enthusiasm to convert the numbers into meaningful information and stock markets would be an adequate platform to pour his energies into. He immediately called up a stockbroker friend of his and fixed an appointment to know more about the mysterious world of stock markets.

The next day he met his friend and tried to understand the mechanics of stock market. The meeting went on for hours but it could not assuage his thirst for knowledge of it. When the meeting was about to conclude, Kris decided that he would start trading in the markets from the next day itself. As he was about to leave, his friend warned him about the pitfalls that could entrap the self-assured and asked Kris to be cautious. Kris nodded and smiled and told him not to worry. That evening, Kris began analyzing reams of data regarding the price movements and business financials of companies. The more he researched the more he was confident that he would master the game. His analysis suggested to him that the markets were up for a huge bull run and he could make money by buying stocks. He tested the waters by investing a part of his savings in the market. And as luck would have it, the markets increased significantly and landed Kris a neat profit. His first moves in the stock market provided Kris a huge sense of exhilaration. Bolstered by his initial success he decided to invest all his savings into the stock market. And the markets obliged. In 3 months he had increased his net worth by 30%. 

He had fallen in love with the game of stock markets where profits were the way to keep points. But something within Kris was not satisfied. His initial success had increased his confidence and he wanted to amplify the gains that he was making in the markets. He researched and found out that stock futures could be used as lever to magnify the gains that he was making. He realized that he could magnify the results by 5 times by using futures. Had he used futures from the start his gains would have been 150% rather than 30%. He decided that without further ado he would start purchasing stock futures and make more profits than he could imagine in his wildest imaginations. He was already very rich. With the money he had made in real estate and stock markets he could retire and lead a luxurious life for the rest of his lifetime. But he felt that it would be no fun when compared to the excitement he felt in the stock markets. The next day he allocated 50% of his net worth into stock futures and waited for the cash to roll in. A week went by and he made further profits which were now magnified by the leverage he was using. Kris could now see nothing but numbers in front of him. He was constantly calculating various permutations and combinations in different scenarios. In essence, for Kris, the money he was making no longer mattered. It was the thrill of winning the game of stock markets that truly excited him. The more money he made the more he felt like a winner in life. He called up his stockbroker friend and informed him about the success that he had garnered in such a short period of time. When his friend realized that Kris was playing in stock futures he tried to convince Kris about the dangers of it and how he had personally witnessed clients getting ruined by the game of Futures. But Kris scoffed at him by telling him not to envy his abilities to make money in the markets and kept the phone on his friend’s face.

But the stockbroker’s words proved to be prescient. A few days after the conversation, a huge terrorist attack took place which created pandemonium and panic in the markets. Kris was dumbfounded. He was betting the markets would move up but due to the attack the markets collapsed by 25% within a week. Kris was frozen by the change of events and he was sitting on huge losses which would virtually wipe out 98% of his net worth. He received a call from his broker who informed him that he was closing all his positions as there was a huge negative shortfall in Kris’ account. Kris was left with no option but to sell the luxurious condominium that he was living in and use almost all of his reserves to clear the shortfall. Unfortunately, as soon as he cleared the shortfall, the markets recovered dramatically. Had he not been over-leveraged he could have the staying power which would have reduced his losses to a meager 20% instead of 98% that he had to endure. After this turn of events, Kris was a shattered man. He had lost everything. From being extremely successful he had become a pauper. He felt hopeless and depressed. He kicked himself for not paying heed to his friend’s words. He was back in his parent’s place, had lost almost all his money, had lost the love of his life and was completely devoid of energy. He hated his life. All this while, he was so absorbed by the markets and was enjoying the ride so much that he had avoided drinking lest he change again. But he had realized that he was so blinded by numbers that he had forgotten everything else. The numbers had made him blind to words and other people’s feelings. His friend’s words of warning kept haunting him every day and troubled him deeply. He hated himself for being so foolish. His self-hatred led him to deciding to change as a person. And that was when he turned to alcohol. For better or worse, it was an instrument that could change him in an instant.

The next 10 days he drank consecutively. On the 10th day, he had a feeling that it would be the day that would lead to change. His feelings proved to be right. As soon as he finished his fourth drink he started feeling giddy. He progressed to his bed and lied down waiting for the change to take over. This time, he could see images of his childhood floating in his head. He saw himself when he was around 10 years old smiling rather innocently. Then the images turned to memories. He was accessing long lost memories that were hidden deep within the realms of his mind. He was tapping imagination of his very early childhood. He was not certain of the exact timeline of the childhood but he could guess it was when he was around 2 or 3 years old. It seemed like a different world to him. There were no words or numbers. It was pure images. Colorful images that a child imagines. Kris was enthralled by what he was visualizing in front of him. Something at the back of his mind told him that he was back in his childhood. A far simpler and happier time. Where everything was looked at with wonderment and amazement. Image after colorful image kept floating past him. This time the trigger was surprisingly pleasant. He was taken over with feelings of bliss and harmony. And then time suddenly stopped. He was accessing memories that he had experienced when he was an infant. Time seemed completely paused. He was transported into a time where he had access to the basic emotions. The next ten minutes passed away as if it were hours. Then the attack took him further back in time. He accessed memories that had occurred to him while he was in the womb. He experienced complete nothingness. It was complete darkness and blankness. No images. No words. No numbers. No emotions. No feelings. No thoughts. It was pure nothingness. He was floating in time. And then he fell asleep.

Next morning when he woke up, he had a smile in his face. Last night’s experience had truly transformed him for the better. He was feeling extremely happy and satisfied. And the happiness did not depend on any external validation like success, achievement, fame or money. He was happy because it was the natural state of being for him. Past experiences had been tumultuous. Scarring him and exhilarating him by turns. But currently he felt he was undergoing a self-healing process underneath. He was feeling peace and contentment that he had never experienced before, even when he was the owner of extreme wealth and had achieved unbelievable success. And since he was feeling happy inspite of being poor he knew that the feeling was for good. He secured himself a clerical position in a nearby bank and worked on it diligently and satisfactorily. He no longer felt the urge to gain material success or wealth. He also no longer felt the urge to drink again. But, just like before, he felt a void in his life. The absence of Martha was still haunting him. He realized that he had to win her back. She had always been supportive, caring and loving until he had betrayed her trust by physically abusing her. But that brute was long gone. He had transformed. He was simple and honest and could not hurt a fly. One day, when he could no longer be without Martha, Kris finally decided to muster his guts and meet her. On the way, he was thinking of all the things he was going to say to convince her. He would honestly bare all and let her decide if she still wanted to return in his life. He was feeling extremely jittery as he walked to her doorsteps. He was mentally rehearsing the lines he was going to tell her as he nervously pressed the bell to her home. He crossed his fingers and waited tensely for someone to open the door. It was Martha who opened the doors. Kris tried to mumble something and remember the words that he was just memorizing but no words came out. Finally, he was able to stutter the words “I love you. I am sorry I hurt you” to Martha as she was staring at him wide-eyed with surprise. Martha nodded and invited him inside. He could see Martha was trying her best not to reveal what she was feeling inside. He understood that she was terribly hurt by his previous conduct. He could still see fear in her eyes when she looked at him. He was unsure whether she would believe him but he decided he would nevertheless narrate the events that had transpired. Martha seemed skeptical of what she was hearing but Kris diligently explained everything to her. He could see that Martha was grappling internally and did not seem completely convinced. She then decided to gaze intently at his eyes as though his eyes would reveal the answers to her. Kris met her gaze, hoping she could see the honesty in his eyes. After a while, Kris noticed the doubts melting away from Martha as her shoulders relaxed and her eyes became softer. Martha broke into tears and lovingly hugged him with all her might. She had chosen to believe him and wanted to be with him too. It was the most amazing moment Kris had ever experienced. He had finally reclaimed his life.

Thursday, January 2, 2014


It was a near perfect Sunday morning. Clear blue skies and a cool breeze which would kiss your face softly if you stepped outside. It was a great day to relax and unwind and get ready for the upcoming battles in the coming week. I made myself a cup of tea and started reading the newspaper. Tea and newspaper was a satisfying experience. Especially on Sunday mornings. So, while I was reading the newspaper an ad caught my attention and it suggested an interesting way to spend my afternoon. A saint claimed that he was enlightened and was giving a discourse on the inner workings of our universe. I decided to attend the discourse as I had nothing better to do. I was mostly suspicious of Godmen and organised religion but the saint's claim of enlightenment made me curious to know more. Not that I believed in the concept of enlightenment but I definitely had a fascination for it. Listening to what the saint had to say would be an interesting experience.

Anyhow, I arrived at the place of discourse and saw that a substantial number of people were interested in what the self proclaimed saint had to say. I hoped whatever he had to say would be interesting enough to make my sunday afternoon worthwhile. I took my seat in the hall and eagerly awaited the saint's arrival. I was expecting an old gentleman in flowery robes and a beard that would reach till the man's stomach. But, I was quite surpised to see a young professional looking gentleman in his mid-thirties. He wore a prim blue shirt and nicely fitting black pants with formal shoes to boot. His rimless glasses, clean shaven face and neatly combed hair reminded me of a news reporter. I could see that I was not the only one who was surprised as many of the people had bemused expressions on their face. The person sitting next to me thought he had arrived at a business conference accidentally until I assured him that he was indeed at the right place.

The saint began his discourse by clarifying that he was not really a saint but a philosopher. A philosopher who had experienced enlightenment and that's why people considered him a saint. His philosophy was quite straightforward and personally I thought that it was a ripoff of Buddha's teachings. Anyways, his idea was that all human actions emanated from one source. Thoughts. The stream of words and sentences that come in our heads quite randomly. Thoughts were random but they defined our lives and would be a precursor to our behaviour, actions, emotions and feelings. But his philosophy was not the reason he claimed enlightenment. He claimed he could read people's thoughts with pinpoint accuracy. And hence he could understand any person's feelings and emotions. He claimed he could even predict people's future actions as thoughts propelled action. To prove that he could read thoughts he would randomly pick five people from the audience and predict their thoughts. He was a human thought detecting machine. And he claimed only an enlightened being could be that. He argued that thoughts signified the true inner nature of an individual. After hearing these words, the atmosphere in the hall had become electrifying. The experience was akin to attending a magic show where incredible things could be witnessed. Even I was eager to see how things would proceed from here.

The saint initiated the process by randomly picking a woman in the audience as his first volunteer. The lady promptly walked to the stage and stood beside the saint. The saint explained that to access any person's thoughts he would have to gaze at the individuals eyes for a minute while holding the person's hands. He proceeded to hold the lady's hands and looked at her intensely for around a minute. "Whom have you lost recently my dear lady. I can see so much of grief in your thoughts" he asked her abruptly.

The lady seemed genuinely startled at this proclamation and she looked a little unhinged. " I lost my son three weeks ago" she answered slowly.

"And I sense guilt too in your thoughts. Do you feel you could have saved your son's life"

"Yes. I feel extremely guilty. I feel I could have taken better care of him. Maybe then he could have survived"

"No my lady. There is nothing that you could have done. You cannot fight destiny. No one can. Forsake your guilt. I can see that it is crushing your heart. Take a deep breath. Let go and be free."

"Thank you Sir" the lady replied gratefully and proceeded to take her seat in the crowd. The gathered crowd was both impressed and shocked at this magical display of mind reading. My logical brain was inferring that this was probably staged and rehearsed. But my instincts were telling me a different story altogether.  I felt that the reaction in the lady was extremely genuine. There seemed to be a visible improvement in the demeanor after the saint reassured her. Her drooping shoulders had picked up and it looked like a huge burden had been taken off her shoulders. That gave me reason to believe that perhaps it was not staged. Still, some people were just good actors and hence any judgement at this stage would be premature.

The saint then began to pick another person from the crowd. He picked a sleek and sophisticated person in his late twenties. The person was slightly hesitant to go to the stage as if he was scared of his thoughts being strip searched. But he eventually took the plunge and reached the stage.

The saint held both the volunteer's hands and looked at him squarely. After a minute or two, the saint remarked "You should not have come to the stage son. Now I know why you were fearing to come to the stage son. You wanted to hide your thoughts"

"No no. There is nothing like that" the sleek man stammered in a rather alarmed way.

"Ofcourse it is like that. I can sense fear in you. Fear due to infidelity. You have cheated on your wife haven't you"

The lady who was sitting next to the sleek man, presumably his wife, suddenly broke down at those words and started crying incessantly.

"It's not true. It's not true at all" denied the young man.

"Do not give me untruths and insult my powers by suggesting I am saying untruths" shouted the saint. "I suggest that you confess everything to your wife. the burden of lies will eventually eat you away to the core. Go and unburden yourself without regard to the consequences."

The sleek man stood there for a while before meekly nodding his head and proceeded to his seat. It looked like he was going to take the saint's advice and confess to his wife.

The whole family drama that had unfolded in front of our eyes had elicited a lot of gasps in the crowd. This time, nobody seemed to be in doubt about the saint's capabilities. Meanwhile, the sleek man and his wife had left the hall with the wife still crying profusely.

The third person the saint called for volunteering plainly refused to go to the stage. A few people laughed and someone in the crowd made a wisecrack statement of hidden affairs and dirty underwear being washed in public. I personally could not blame the person for not volunteering as the idea of having your thoughts being X-rayed publicly was indeed scary and not everyone's cup of tea.

Eventually, the third volunteer was found in the form of a thirty something male with a moustache. The saint again responded by holding both the hands and staring intensely at the volunteer. This time the saint reacted differently. He quietly hugged the volunteer and clenched his shoulders. "Do you want me to share your thoughts. I can understand if it's too personal" asked the saint.

"No. You can share whatever you have to say I have no problems with it."

"Thats very brave of you I must say. So, have you attempted it or are you planning it" the saint asked.


"Yes. I think you know what I mean. Suicide"

"I attempted it three days back. I was about to hang myself but my wife intervened and saved me"

This time there was an uproar in the crowd with quite a few "Oh my gods" from the people at this revelation. I was taken aback and shaken too. I observed the volunteer closely and saw a normal looking person. I could never have guessed that the person was suicidal.

"What led you to this situation. I am not able to pinpoint the exact reason" asked the saint.

"I lost all my money in the stock market. I gambled it all away" the volunteer replied solemnly.

"I do understand your anguish. But I suggest that you do not take this extreme step. If you go who will take care of your family. Do not orphan them. Restart your life. Get a job. And build your wealth again."

These words seemed to re-energize the volunteer. He nodded vigourously and worked back to his chair with what seemed like a spring in his step.

After this episode, I was virtually convinced of the saint's thought reading skills. And so was the crowd. Whether this constituted enlightenment was debatable but even I had to admit that what I was seeing was remarkable and extraordinary. After seeing the three volunteers, I was quite confident that the process was not staged. No one could be this good in acting. Not even Oscar award winners.

The saint called on the next volunteer. She was a middle aged woman, most probably a housewife. I cannot recount the exact details as her thoughts were mundane and unremarkable especially when compared to the other volunteers. She was worried that her daughter was not eating her food properly or something on those lines. One of the crowd yawned loudly at that. That was perhaps the most remarkable incident with regards to the fourth volunteer. Even the saint seemed a little disappointed at the anti-climax.

For the next volunteer, the saint pointed at the general direction of where I was sitting. "You!" he exclaimed. I looked around me wondering whom he had chosen.

"You in the yellow shirt" said the saint. Yellow shirt! I thought excitedly. That has to be me. I looked at my shirt and confirmed the colour. Of all the multitudes of people, I was chosen as a volunteer. Wow, what were the odds! I had no reason to object going to the stage as my thoughts were as boring as the lady's before me. After this, there would not be a semblance of doubt about the saint's thought reading abilities since I would be a part of the experiment.

My head was in a tizzy as I was walking towards the saint. I was extremely nervous and excited and my knees trembled as I walked. Someone was going to read my innermost thoughts and feelings and perhaps my innermost nature. I was generally skeptical of people who purported to do anything supernatural. But if there was ever a person who could read my mind the saint was one. I reached the stage and stood next to him. He clasped my hands as he had done with the others. His hands were ice-cold and sent shivers through my body. The first thing I noticed about him were his eyes. They seemed glazed and intoxicated. Yet he seemed in total control. He then went on to look at me intently. I realised that he was not looking at my eyes alone. Infact for the first thirty seconds, he looked everywhere but at my eyes. My shoulder, my chest, my stomach, my legs, even my crotch before he finally settled on my eyes. I looked back confidently, comforted by the fact that I had nothing to hide and no troublesome thoughts. Meanwhile, even I was also staring and observing him. His arms were twitching involuntarily. Something told me he was getting uncomfortable. He took around four minutes before he eventually stopped staring at me. My instincts were telling me that there was an art and science behind what he was doing. I felt he was trying to tune in to my body language by mimicking it and thus understanding the vibes. His approach seemed extremely scientific.

When he finally spoke he seemed disturbed about something. "Since you are my fifth and final volunteer and there were so many others with whom I have accessed their inner nature, I feel exhausted. That explains why I have taken more than my due time. Anyways, here are your thoughts, my friend. You like to be alone. Intensely alone. You can remain alone without company than most people can. And, uh, you are worried about the health of someone beloved. Isn't that true my friend" His diffidence in mentioning the second part told me that he was not completely sure of it.

"Yes sir. You are right. I have a tendency to be alone. And yes, my father has suffered an accident. I am extremely concerned about his health" I replied.

The saint heaved a sigh of relief. "Meet me after the discourse" he said quietly as he shook my hands.

I walked towards my seat and as expected the crowd were none too happy with my thoughts. The crowd had got used to fireworks after the first three volunteers. But, I was quite satisfied with the experience. I sat down at the seat while the saint went into the finer details of his philosophy. There were far more buyers to his philosophy now that he had impressed everyone with his performance. I was not paying much attention to the discourse as I was busy piecing together the experiences I had with the saint. The more I thought about it the more I was getting confused. He had successfully penetrated my thoughts and found out something very few people were aware of. Was it due to a supernatural ability that he was able to access my thoughts. What he had done was unbelievable. He had guessed what could be considered my inner nature. And most remarkably, he knew I was concerned about someone close to me. Unless he followed me regularly there was no way he could have done that. What he had done was truly magical.

I was shaken from my introspection when I heard a loud applause from the crowd. His discourse had ended. Many people decided to honour him with a standing ovation. I stood up too and clapped enthusiastically. While everyone were departing, I proceeded to the backstage as he had asked me to meet him.

The saint seemed to be waiting for me and shook my hands warmly as I entered the backstage. "Hey. I found it really difficult to access your thoughts. I would like to conduct the exercise once again. For my satisfaction. I take this very seriously. Would you care to join"

"Ofcourse. I would love to join" I replied.

"Great. Meet me at Hotel Ramada then. Say tomorrow 6 P.M"

"Sure. I will be there" I said excitedly.

"Very well. Thank you so much for catering to my whims and fancies" he said smilingly. "By the way, do you play Poker?" he asked.

"Yes. Occasionally"

"That explains. Anyways, see you tomorrow" he said and departed to his room backstage.

I could not believe my luck. I would get another opportunity to interact with the magician. In my eyes, that's what he was. And I wanted to find out his tricks. Because every magician had one. I could not wait to see him the next day

The next day, I reached the Ramada hotel at the designated time. I had a hard time sleeping the previous night as I was recollecting and analysing the events of the day. I felt that I was missing something. Some trick or sleight of hand which could explain something as mysterious as thought reading.But, I was hoping that my meeting with the saint would change the equation.

I knocked at the saint's room and almost immediately he opened the door and led me inside. "I am glad you could make it. You know, yesterday I found it difficult to understand what was going on in that head of yours. I almost guessed at what you were thinking and going through. But for me there is no room for guessing. That is why I take it really seriously. So I want to take another shot at it"

"Sure" I replied.

"If you don't mind, I would like to take this medicine before I start. It really helps me you know" he said pointing at a box containing a green coloured powdery substance.

"The medicine helps you in the process?" I asked. I was quite intrigued. The medicine looked like a psychotropic substance and maybe it was the reason for the saints glazed look that I had noticed the previous day.

"Yes. This is no ordinary medicine. Without this, it is virtually impossible to access other people's thoughts" he said while putting two spoons of the green powder into the glass of water. Once the powder dissolved, he quickly gulped down the glass.

And sure enough, his eyes had become glazed and his body had completely relaxed while he was sitting in his chair. His eyes were gazing at me intently as if trying to penetrate me.

"Now come here my friend. Let me hold your hands" the saint said calmly.

"Wait. Can I try this too. Can I try to gauge your thoughts and inner nature.

"What. How can you? You don't know how to"

"What if I try the medicine too"

"No. You still wont be able to. You are not me. You are not a saint. You need enlightenment for that"

"I know I am not. And if I am not able to do what you do, it will just confirm you are a saint. If I am also able to gauge your thoughts then it is basically the medicine which does most of the work. Right?"

The argument struck a chord with him but he was not totally convinced. I realised that he still had doubts of his saintliness. So, I decided to use that point in convincing him further

"If I fail to read your thoughts which I most probably will, it will show for sure that the medicine only works for saints like you. There will be no disputing that you are a saint and not some street magician"

My persuasion seemed to be working. "There is no way you know a thing about this. You wont be able to read my inner nature and what I am and what I have done. And that will prove I am a saint. Besides, merely drinking the medicine does not work. You need to have access to the mystical secrets too" he said while handing me the medicine.

"Surely" I said while gulping down the medicine. The medicine tasted like a pungent version of vanilla. It was nothing like I had ever tasted before. And its effects were instant

The colours in the room suddenly looked brighter and with a clarity I could not imagine existed. I looked at the saint and smiled at his smiling face,. But after the medicine the saint was looking like a totally different person. After around two minutes, the effects of the medicine really started kicking in. It exponentially improved my observation and made my thinking extremely sharp and acute. I stared at the saint and observed him intently. I could observe the minutest of his expressions in his eyes, face and even his nose. The medicine introduced intuitive, perceptive and discerning abilities that I never knew I had.

"So, how does it feel my friend. Is it working" the saint asked curiously.

"You have trained for years haven't you"

"Trained in what" said the saint taken aback at my observation. He had not expected this.

"Trained in the field of face reading and body language. I can see that in you." I replied. "That's how you are able to make the accurate judgements about people." I said. The medicine was actually working. It was not like I was reading his mind. I was just reading the signals that his mind was emitting through body language and facial expressions. I was just able to discern things that I normally wouldn't. Someone like the saint  who had years of extreme training could combine his experience of reading people along with the acute observation that the medicine induced to make it look like he was mind reading.

"Listen. It's enough. Stop observing me. The medicine seems to be working to an extent. I don't want you to read me anymore" the saint said. His expressions were changing. He was extremely worried about something. I wish I had his skills to make more refined judgement. But my mind was still piecing things together slowly. The saint had something to hide. That had become clear to me.

"I think you better leave. It was a bad idea to give you the medicine" the saint continued.

"But don't you want to read my thoughts anymore"

"I want to but I don't want you to read mine. Do you know who I am" he asked. His voice had suddenly changed. It had become more edgy and dangerous. He looked at me without smiling. I suddenly realised what he seemed to be hiding. His eyes reflected the answer. I got the vibe that he was a hardened criminal. He was not your usual conman who pretended to be a saint. He was far worse. I suddenly realised that he could sense the fear in me. He could read my mind and know that I had found out.

"Do you have a revolver with you" I asked. I did not intend to ask that but the sentence just poured out of me.

"No. I do not carry a revolver. But since you already know, the knife is the weapon of my choice" He opened the cupboard in his wardrobe and showed me a large glittering knife to prove his point. "I intend to use this on you if you try any funny business" The way he smiled at me told me that he meant it too. The look in his eyes terrified me. It told me that he was very capable of murder. I had to keep my calm but. I knew I was not dealing with a reasonable person. I knew If I panicked he would use the knife as a reaction. I did not have many options in front of me while he was contemplating killing me.

"But you have changed. I have read you. You are a saint now. The past is behind you. You have reformed now. Killing you will not help you. It will only take you back. And you need to go forward" I said pleadingly. I was bluffing at this point. I had no idea whether he had changed or not. But I was desperate and I could not think of any other choice.

"You have changed right. you are a saint now remember" I continued calmly. He kept looking at me with a strange expression while I said this. I was not sure whether my strategy had worked or not. I knew he could read me much better than I could read him. I half-expected him to say "Nice try kid. But it doesn't work on me" and then use his knife to perhaps slash my head.

"You are a philosopher now. Remember, that's what you said during the discourse. Philosophers are rational people" I tried again.

The final sentence had a definite effect on him. Mentioning the word Philosopher had done the trick. His reaction was completely different. He kept the knife on the table and fell on the chair. He was on the verge of breaking down. My bluff had worked. It was strange to see a self proclaimed murderer almost cry in front of me. But I was more than relieved. He was trying to reform and luckily my words had reminded him of that.

"I assure you that I will not mention this to anyone" I said.

"Get out of here before I change my mind" he replied quietly.

I overcame the temptation to run and slowly walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. As soon as I was outside the room, I ran down the stairs and fled the hotel as fast as I could.

Friday, January 4, 2013


He was giggling needlessly. He was not even feeling happy. In-fact he was feeling totally useless. The world felt he was too fucked up. Too neurotic. Too dopey. Too stupid. And the world was right in its own way. He was all that and more. He went to a friend's home to have a cup of tea. The tea was really good. He could taste the milk in the tea and if he wanted to he could just taste the tea powder. The bitterness of tea powder. The strange aftertaste it left after gulping down the tea. He could imagine the tea powder in his head. He smiled. It reminded him of similar looking things. Things that could stone you to death or worse.  It was good shit anyways even though he did not know what it meant and did not know where it was taking him.

The next sip of the tea gave him an overpowering taste of sugar. Sugar reminded him of the world. The world was sugary sweet from the outside and full of alcohol from the inside. The world made him nauseous. The world and its society and its structures and its impediments and its smartness and its ugliness and he went on and on in his head. He was a bit dazed inspite of the tea. He went outside to have a walk in the park  and to see if God was around. He was not sure if God existed but there was no harm in finding out. Instead he saw a butterfly. He started chasing it. The butterfly was really beautiful.  Its wings kept fluttering on and on. The butterfly was whizzing around rather quickly but he could swear it was flapping its wings rather seductively. He noticed the world looking at him. They thought he was insane. He gave them an insane smile just to freak them out. Kids in and around the park were wondering why someone so old would be having so much fun. Grown-ups were not allowed to have fun. They have forsaken that right. That's the look the kids gave him. One of the kids gave a rather jealous look to him as his mum was around and was really screwing his happiness. He had a thought that the kid had become a grown-up already and must be having mundane thoughts already. Mundane thoughts the world has about success and achievement and all that shit that scares the fuck out of you. By which the world judges each and everyone around them. " I am more successful than him. He is such a loser. Haha". That is what the world generally used to think of him when they are around him. But when the world is around someone more successful than them they think "He is so wealthy and successful. He has 2 BMW's and makes a numerical amount of money. I suck" The world always thinks in numbers. In numbers and in objects and what they own. "What do you feel" he used to ask the world "Get away from me. I have all these numbers to achieve. I am not like you. I want to wake up in the morning. Unlike you. I want to do something. Unlike you" the world used to respond. "But what do you feel" he used to ask again. "Fuck you, you dimwit. You fucking retard. You stupid twit. I am judging you. Look into my eyes" Then he looked into their eyes. That used to scare the shit out of them for some reason. The world is full of liars and liars will not be able to see you in the eyes because they are freaking scared. Phoney people used to say that eyes are the gateway to the soul. He believed the phony people had a point even though they did not even understand what they were talking about. Stupid and phony people are though less stupid than him. Freaking gateway to the fucking soul. People saying things they don’t even understand. People knowing things they do not even know. Yet the world was alright. They were too judgmental yes but they were alright as long as they left him alone. They were alright from afar. Their stupidity was contagious as one song used to say. But they were pretty ok otherwise. Trying to reach the goals they had set for themselves. Trying to make people happy. Trying to love and be loved. Most often they wanted to think of themselves as smart. Thinking themselves as smart was a common disease amongst all the mankind. He did not care for that shit at that moment. He was lost in his own world. The outside world did not seem to bother him too much. He giggled at the world and the world responded with a funny look which seemed to crack him up further. All that giggling had made him hungry. He went to the nearest restaurant around him and munched away to glory.

He was feeling happy. Nothing seemed to bother him at that moment. He knew he was going crazy but even that thought did not seem to bother him. He knew nobody would understand him either. The world was going through too much shit of their own to bother about other people’s shit and understand others. He carried on munching till the waiter gave him a weird look for eating so much. He gave a blissful look to the waiter and the waiter responded with a “Stay away” look. He stayed in the restaurant for hours together but eventually he started integrating with the world and was becoming just like them. He paid the bill, started to leave and was walking towards his home. Someone in the road gave him a brotherly smile but he could not care any less and walked away without responding. He wasn’t fucked up anymore. He had landed to the ground.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Roger's night out

Roger could not handle his drinks well. His head was swirling around and he was trying to make sense of the world. The hostess was talking kindly to him and was perhaps pointing at the dinner table. Maybe she had not realized that he was too drunk to understand he was drunk. "Ofcourse, my dear lady" giving her a smile which could mean anything but most probably did not mean anything. "Oh, what a pleasant Gentleman" thought the hostess. "He did not flirt with me and neither did he stare down my neck. Perhaps I should date him. A nice find!!" she thought while greeting her next guest.

Roger then proceeded to the drinks table. Not because he wanted another drink. He wanted to undrink himself. The bartender was too used to drunks like himself. He pointed out the restroom to Roger. "Thanks my Lord. I will be damned if you are not Jeeves the Butler. You can solve anything. I wanted to undrink myself and you pointed out the restroom!" Roger said. He continued towards the restroom but he was stopped by an anaconda or what he thought was an anaconda. The anaconda seemed to have that Brazilian dirt still hanging around its crease. Now Roger was an immaculately dressed gentleman and could not afford to get his party shirt dirty. He shied away from the anaconda. The anaconda slithered away from Roger as if he was a snake charmer. Snake charmer? Maybe. Or perhaps he was just some uninteresting individual with whom the anaconda had no chance of having any fun. It is anybody's guess that it could have been due to Roger's spectacles which gave the impression that any moment Roger could begin a discourse on some lengthy but inconsequential philosophical debate which hardly anybody else is interested in. It may have been tolerable during normal times but is quite boring during party hours. Anyways, by all accounts, the anaconda just slithered away to its next destination leaving Roger behind to complete his toilet formalities.

Roger decided to take a walk in the park. He was hoping that people did not realize he was finding it difficult to walk in a straight path. He was also finding it difficult to spell things. In this state, he would definitely find it tough to pass the third grade exam. Second grade would have been a breeze but not the third one. He noticed a random stranger singing a song to himself. Roger felt a weird bonding with the random dude as they were fellow co-habitants  of the park at that moment. Roger came close enough to the stranger to make sense of the wordings of the song. "Dont ignore me just cause I m ignorant. Save me from me. I m warning you. Its not best to leave it till its too late. Dont ignore my warning just cause I m an ignorant" went the song. "Makes sense" Roger thought to himself. Quite proud of his analysis of this song, Roger decided he had enough of the walk and went inside to the party hall.

Roger was still an immaculately dressed gentleman sitting in a corner during the function. His brain wasn't functioning too well because he had had one drink too many. The thoughts were getting intertwined and intermingled with one another. He could feel it. He had a feeling that everyone around him thought he was going crazy. And he could not blame them completely either. He was losing control of his faculties. But he wasn't crazy yet and he was not ready to give up yet. Roger knew there was still one last chance for redemption. But he thought that he might be going crazy. He was thinking of the Arabs who weren't too well dressed themselves but they did not leave any opportunity of making fun of him. Rogie Rogie they cried. Roger the Dodger was his nickname. Then the music started. It was slow to begin with, but then it got slower and slower. It got smoother and more refined, like high quality whisky. It got more rhythmic and slower till it got really exhausting. Too exhausting to handle. Till he fell fast asleep, Roger did.

And when he woke up the next morning, he was sober again. Just a slight hangover and embarrassment of sleeping over at someone else's place without notice. After that, there was nothing to write home about. It was just the drudgery of normal sober life. Until the next party happened. But that's another story.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


"I am gonna have lot's of fun with you my boy"


"Hahahaha. Oh yes, I am gonna have a good time all right"

"What are you talking about. Dint I just kill myself"

"Yes. You did. And that's why you are with me. Those who kill themselves end up with me. And that will teach you to have killed yourself"

"Is this life after death"

"No. And it is neither heaven nor hell and neither is this judgement day. And nor am I a devil. Though I am something even worse. Haha haha hahahaha"

"Why am I here. My back really hurts"

"You my boy are going to be roasted and boiled like you did to all those eggs and meat. You are going to feel how they felt. Hahaha"

"But I was a vegetarian"

"Were you? Then I may not have done my homework properly. Then lets look at your last days before you killed yourself so brutally. That would be fun, wouldn't it"

"Why are you tormenting me"

"Because I am a tormentor. You have just killed yourself. Thats where I come in. You have done a grave sin by killing yourself and cutting that soul's life short. I have to teach you a great lesson by tormenting you. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. Oh, don't give me that sad look. Come on, we haven't even started already"

"What are you going to do"

"Now, my boy we have the privilege  to watch your life backwards. I love doing this. This way I will get to know you better. Hahaha. Three days before you shot yourself in the head, you in your desperation to stave off your financial crisis, bought a lottery ticket. You checked out the results the next day, found out you had not won anything and then you continued being dejected with life, dint you my boy?"


"Hahahaha. Wouldn't it have been nice had you won the prize dear boy"


"Do you remember that before buying that lottery you met an old beggar in the street and you gave him some change"


"Well, my dearest boy, that nice little gesture of yours lost you a bunch of money. The person who bought the lottery ticket just before you did, won the lottery. Had you not spent that extra time giving money to that beggar, you would have got that winning ticket. Hahahahahahaha. And we would not have been here together Santosh my poor chap"

"Unbelievable. Fate raped me again"

"Hahahahahahaha. Funny! Isn't it boy. It is. It is. It is my boy"

"The first prize was 15 crores. Even after paying my loan I would have had more than enough. I would have had a great life afterwards"

"Oh yes. Absolutely. Have to agree on that. Now lets go further back into your life. When you were 16. You dated this girl for a few months, dint you boy"

"Yes. I remember her. Shweta her name was"

"Yes. She had killer herself too. And she had killed herself because of you Santosh"

"No, she dint. I dint do anything"

"Hahaha. Oh, you poor kid. You give me so much pleasure. Two weeks after you two stopped dating each other she killed herself. She even called you three days before she killed herself. Had you been considerate in that conversation she would have been saved. Instead, you shouted at her and told her to go to hell. Poor girl. She was so obedient. A few days after talking to you, to hell she straight went. And now she must be burning in hell. Hahahahahaha. Oh, am I funny. Hell, yes I am."

"I am sorry"

"Do you know why you dated her"

"I liked her"


"She was beautiful"

"She was beautiful yes. But that's not why you dated her"

"She was caring"

"No my boy. It was because you were horny and stupid as well. Like any other kid your age. You cost that girl her life but. Do you want to know how she felt before she put fire to herself"


"Now, that's an unusual answer. Most people attempt hitting me and screaming at me by this time. Nevertheless, your words pleases me immensely. You see that girl Santosh. There, about to light that fire. Lets get into her head my boy"

"I am so ugly. So ugly. He hates me. I wore that pink dress when he ditched me. I used to think I look good in that dress. Oh, I am so worthless. I cannot make anyone happy. And nobody can make me happy. Ever. Never. Now light that fire, Now! ....."

"Hahahaha. My poor boy. You are not used to it. Are you not. It was brave of you to have faced this but this is not punishment enough for killing that girl"

"Why did she do..."

"Befuddled you are Santosh. I have more news for you. There is more punishment in store for you. You cant get away with it just like that my boy"

"Now what, I am ready to face it, whatever it is. I deserve the punishment for what I did to her"

"You think you are brave don't you boy. But you were not brave enough to face that world of yours. And you ran away by killing yourself like a fool. Now listen. You think that wife of yours, whom you love so much, was working at office while you were shooting yourself in the head"


"Hahahahahaha. No she was not. She was having mind-blowing sex with her colleague Rajeev. The best sex of her life. Hahahahaha. Hahahahhahahahahahhahhahahahhahaahaha"

"Aaaah. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Nooooooooooooo"

"What happened Santosh"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. No. No. No"

"Santosh. Look at me. It's ok. It's just a nightmare. Listen to me"

"Huh. What?"

"It was a nightmare Santosh. A bad dream while you were sleeping. Its Ok Santosh. What is happening to you?"

"Yes Latha. It was a nightmare. Yes"

"What was the nightmare about. It must have been horrible?"

"Nevermind Latha. Nevermind"

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Doggy Style

It was around 6 in the evening when I had finally completed my work in office. I was all too eager to seek the company of my bed at home with other companions being a book and a cup of hot tea. It had been a difficult and tiring day at office.

The place where I was staying was a 10 minute walk from office. But the route was beset by unfriendly dogs who hated the sight of me. Me especially for some reason. The other day, I was walking back home and minding my own business when this dog came running towards me and before I could respond took a bite at my leg. It was almost a playful bite but it did hurt later. After the bite, the dog stared at me mischievously to see how I would react. I just stared back. The dog eventually got bored and galloped away somewhere else with its good deed for the day done.

So, basically I was not much of a popular figure among the dogs, which was a pity. When I was a small kid the dogs used to be pretty friendly with me. The puppies especially loved me while the parents acknowledged me with an approving nod. Those were the days. But with the erosion of time, as I grew taller and bigger the dogs first ignored me and then started collectively hating me. Thats life.

Anyways, the distance between my office and that comforting bed at home was 3 dogs. 3 goddamned dogs. Two of them were stationed a few minutes away from office and the other dog, whose ferocity was matched only by its disdain and hatred for me, was a few minutes away from my home. I set out towards my journey watchfully and cautiously. The thing is, all that caution and watchfulness kind of makes you want to pee. Its one of those mysteries of life. A little bit of context is necessary here. I was walking on the streets of India. There is a saying that in America you can kiss on the streets but not pee. India on the other hand, you cant kiss there publicly. No sir. But when you pee on the streets hardly anybody gives a damn. Now I find peeing on the road particularly distasteful. Its shows lack of civic sense and all that jazz. But there are exceptions to the rule. Especially when I am the one who is peeing. This time around it was kind of an emergency so it had to come in the exceptional category. The next step was to find a private place to pee in. The ideal location was a dog free and people free location. And there it was. The perfect place. The oasis in the desert. I hurriedly walked to the location and started the process. Ah, what bliss. Unfortunately, before there could be a happy ending,  I heard a dangerous growl a few metres away from me. And then incessant obnoxious barking from another dog. It was the 2 dogs. The pair of lunatics who had undying loathing towards me. I was literally caught with my pants down. A strange philosophical insight occurred to me at that moment. If you search for something really closely you will tend to miss it if its right under your nose. I had miraculously managed to miss looking at the dogs when I was finding a place to pee. I was abruptly jolted out of my philosiphising of fundamental arguments when the two dogs started approaching me in an unfriendly manner. I instinctively pulled up my zip and bolted from the scene as fast as I could. I somehow managed to get lost in the crowds and was able to outwit and outrun the dogs who were chasing me as if their life depended on it. It was a close shave and I had come out of the battle unscathed. Well, to be honest, almost unscathed. In my hurry to flee from the battle scene I was not able to complete the business that I had set out to do in an orderly manner. The dogs had interrupted when the fountain was flowing in all its glory. The end result was an event that normally occurs to small kids when they are sleeping. I believe that a storyteller should never forsake realism and should always safeguard it. But some details can be omitted, especially in exceptional circumstances, if you know what I mean.

Now there is a reason for me punishing the readers with an in-depth analysis of my ill-mannered bathroom exploits. There is a very practical lesson in store for the reader who paid attention to the story. The lesson is that do not, intentionally or unintentionally, pee in a dog's territory. No matter what the urgency or emergency. And especially if they harbour deep, inexplicable and murderous resentment towards you. Dogs dont take too well to competition in territorial matters. You pee on their territory and you are asking for trouble.

After that brief but scary encounter with these two dogs I carried forth with my journey. Now only one dog separated me from my destination. And there it was. Around 100 metres away from me. We looked at each other. Neither of us making any move. It reminded me of those western movies where 2 enemies keep looking at each other and are about to pull a gun any moment. Basically, I had two options. The first option was to be brave and walk past the dog anyway. Hoping that the dog gets confused with the apparent foolishness and lets you go. The second option was to be safe (Or be a coward. Depends on the way you see it and which side you are on) and take a longer route to my home which would circumvent the dog. Obviously, I opted for the safer route. The dog, as I had previously mentioned, was pretty ferocious.

Even though the safer route would increase my travel time by 5 minutes it would ensure that I would land up 200 metres ahead of the dog while taking the lane to my home. I congratulated myself for being a sensible person and for outwitting another one of the dogs once again. I had almost reached the lane to my home when suddenly out of nowhere that giant, unfriendly, monstrous and ferocious dog leapt into the road with only a few meters between us. It was an ambush! I was completely taken by surprise and was virtually caught with my pants down yet again. The last time the dogs chased me, there was a teeming crowd which helped me get away. But this area was almost deserted. Also, this would be my second sprint in a matter of minutes and thus would not be able to sprint as hard due to tiredness. Taking everything into account, the odds of me evading that dog were on the lower side. If I had to bet, I would give myself a one in twenty chance. I had to shake myself off from my mathematical meditation as the dog started approaching me and I could almost imagine a grin on its face. I sprinted away as fast as I could. But as I had foreseen, the dog was winning the chase and would be on me any moment. Just when all hopes seemed to be lost, a kid on a bicycle came to my rescue and threw a handy stone at the dog. The stone missed, but the dog was startled by the entry of a third force. This called for a change in strategy. The dog had not accounted for allies who would come to my support. If you see it from the dog's perspective, the bicycle would seem like a tank and the stone would seem like a bullet. The dog made the tactical decision to go for prudence rather than valour. And quietly and sulkingly retreated to its territory.

I thanked the wonderkid for his unexpected help and support and awarded him with an ice-cream for his valiant efforts. The kid was happy with the ice-cream but I have a feeling he felt sorry for me. I was hoping that the kid could accompany me till my home but unfortunately our paths diverged at a park some 300 meters away from my home. We shook hands graciously and separated as friends while parting. All alone, I decided to sit in the park for a while. I was tired with all that sprinting and running around and wanted a breather. And, uh, I was waiting for the coast to get cleared. You never know, the dog might be lurking around for another ambush.

I sat on the first bench I could reach. Two small kids and a maid were sitting on the bench next to me. One of the kids was a boy of around 3 years and his elder sister was around 6. The boy seemed like a pain in the neck. A bit like me when I was a kid. His sister on the other hand, seemed to be in love with that rotter. She played with him, told him stories and held him affectionately. The rotter was a jerk but. He would make a big scene when his elders told him to not play in the mud. When nothing worked, his sister pulled out her trump card- a packet of chips. The rotter's eyes were wide open now and he was greedily eyeing the packet. The sister was struggling to open the packet. After eventually opening it, she took a couple of chips in her hand and offered it to me. "Here Uncle, have some chips." she said sweetly. Though I was a bit offended at being called an uncle I was touched by her offer and thanked her for the chips. The rotter was staring at her furiously for distributing the treasure to strangers. While she was handing me the chips, he had grabbed the packet and was guarding it close to his chest. He gave a few chips to the maid but refused to give any to his sister. The sister was trying to cajole him but to no avail. The maid offered some of her chips to the sister but she steadfastly refused even though I could see she was tempted to have one. I then heard her saying "We should offer it to everyone should we not". The punk responded by giving one more chip to the maid but none to his sister. I thought to myself "I really hope I have a daughter. Sons are nothing but punks and rotters"

The sister was then telling the maid "You know how the other children at school make fun of me. They say I am Ak Ak Ak Akshata. As if they are sneezing". The rotter had a sadistic smile on his face as if enjoying his sister's torment. That's when I decided that enough was enough and intervened. I approached the sister and said " Thanks again for the chips. And Akshata, you are a good girl".  "Thank you Uncle" she replied shyly but happily. Then, with as much depth in my voice as I could muster I told the rotter "You should give some of those chips to your sister". The rotter turned from bully to pussy in front of authority and immediately offered a handful of chips to his sister. "Thats like a good boy" I replied and left from there. When I looked behind my shoulder, Akshata was happily putting chips into the mouth of that rotter.

I carried on my journey towards my home. It wasn't too far now. The bed and the book were beckoning. I was looking around carefully for another ambush from the ferocious dog but the surprise came from another source altogether. A cow and a smaller bull were galloping straight towards me!

"Woooooooooooooooo" I cried and jumped away in the nick of time while the cow and the bull passed me dangerously closely. The Cow and the Bull were excited because the smaller Bull was trying to hump the larger Cow. And the Cow was either not interested and was looking to avoid the Bull or it was trying to find a private spot in a hurry. The Bull was making repeated attempts to climb the Cow. The Bull's penis kept coming in and out and was sharp and pointed. It reminded me of a Swiss Knife I had seen. In and out. Sharp and pointed. "You bloody motherfucking Bull. That Cow is old enough to be your mother" I thought and proceeded towards home. I finally reached home and opened the gates to my apartment while warily checking for crazy creatures around the corner. It felt good to be home and to be alive and kicking.