Wednesday, September 19, 2012


"I am gonna have lot's of fun with you my boy"


"Hahahaha. Oh yes, I am gonna have a good time all right"

"What are you talking about. Dint I just kill myself"

"Yes. You did. And that's why you are with me. Those who kill themselves end up with me. And that will teach you to have killed yourself"

"Is this life after death"

"No. And it is neither heaven nor hell and neither is this judgement day. And nor am I a devil. Though I am something even worse. Haha haha hahahaha"

"Why am I here. My back really hurts"

"You my boy are going to be roasted and boiled like you did to all those eggs and meat. You are going to feel how they felt. Hahaha"

"But I was a vegetarian"

"Were you? Then I may not have done my homework properly. Then lets look at your last days before you killed yourself so brutally. That would be fun, wouldn't it"

"Why are you tormenting me"

"Because I am a tormentor. You have just killed yourself. Thats where I come in. You have done a grave sin by killing yourself and cutting that soul's life short. I have to teach you a great lesson by tormenting you. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. Oh, don't give me that sad look. Come on, we haven't even started already"

"What are you going to do"

"Now, my boy we have the privilege  to watch your life backwards. I love doing this. This way I will get to know you better. Hahaha. Three days before you shot yourself in the head, you in your desperation to stave off your financial crisis, bought a lottery ticket. You checked out the results the next day, found out you had not won anything and then you continued being dejected with life, dint you my boy?"


"Hahahaha. Wouldn't it have been nice had you won the prize dear boy"


"Do you remember that before buying that lottery you met an old beggar in the street and you gave him some change"


"Well, my dearest boy, that nice little gesture of yours lost you a bunch of money. The person who bought the lottery ticket just before you did, won the lottery. Had you not spent that extra time giving money to that beggar, you would have got that winning ticket. Hahahahahahaha. And we would not have been here together Santosh my poor chap"

"Unbelievable. Fate raped me again"

"Hahahahahahaha. Funny! Isn't it boy. It is. It is. It is my boy"

"The first prize was 15 crores. Even after paying my loan I would have had more than enough. I would have had a great life afterwards"

"Oh yes. Absolutely. Have to agree on that. Now lets go further back into your life. When you were 16. You dated this girl for a few months, dint you boy"

"Yes. I remember her. Shweta her name was"

"Yes. She had killer herself too. And she had killed herself because of you Santosh"

"No, she dint. I dint do anything"

"Hahaha. Oh, you poor kid. You give me so much pleasure. Two weeks after you two stopped dating each other she killed herself. She even called you three days before she killed herself. Had you been considerate in that conversation she would have been saved. Instead, you shouted at her and told her to go to hell. Poor girl. She was so obedient. A few days after talking to you, to hell she straight went. And now she must be burning in hell. Hahahahahaha. Oh, am I funny. Hell, yes I am."

"I am sorry"

"Do you know why you dated her"

"I liked her"


"She was beautiful"

"She was beautiful yes. But that's not why you dated her"

"She was caring"

"No my boy. It was because you were horny and stupid as well. Like any other kid your age. You cost that girl her life but. Do you want to know how she felt before she put fire to herself"


"Now, that's an unusual answer. Most people attempt hitting me and screaming at me by this time. Nevertheless, your words pleases me immensely. You see that girl Santosh. There, about to light that fire. Lets get into her head my boy"

"I am so ugly. So ugly. He hates me. I wore that pink dress when he ditched me. I used to think I look good in that dress. Oh, I am so worthless. I cannot make anyone happy. And nobody can make me happy. Ever. Never. Now light that fire, Now! ....."

"Hahahaha. My poor boy. You are not used to it. Are you not. It was brave of you to have faced this but this is not punishment enough for killing that girl"

"Why did she do..."

"Befuddled you are Santosh. I have more news for you. There is more punishment in store for you. You cant get away with it just like that my boy"

"Now what, I am ready to face it, whatever it is. I deserve the punishment for what I did to her"

"You think you are brave don't you boy. But you were not brave enough to face that world of yours. And you ran away by killing yourself like a fool. Now listen. You think that wife of yours, whom you love so much, was working at office while you were shooting yourself in the head"


"Hahahahahaha. No she was not. She was having mind-blowing sex with her colleague Rajeev. The best sex of her life. Hahahahaha. Hahahahhahahahahahhahhahahahhahaahaha"

"Aaaah. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Nooooooooooooo"

"What happened Santosh"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. No. No. No"

"Santosh. Look at me. It's ok. It's just a nightmare. Listen to me"

"Huh. What?"

"It was a nightmare Santosh. A bad dream while you were sleeping. Its Ok Santosh. What is happening to you?"

"Yes Latha. It was a nightmare. Yes"

"What was the nightmare about. It must have been horrible?"

"Nevermind Latha. Nevermind"

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Doggy Style

It was around 6 in the evening when I had finally completed my work in office. I was all too eager to seek the company of my bed at home with other companions being a book and a cup of hot tea. It had been a difficult and tiring day at office.

The place where I was staying was a 10 minute walk from office. But the route was beset by unfriendly dogs who hated the sight of me. Me especially for some reason. The other day, I was walking back home and minding my own business when this dog came running towards me and before I could respond took a bite at my leg. It was almost a playful bite but it did hurt later. After the bite, the dog stared at me mischievously to see how I would react. I just stared back. The dog eventually got bored and galloped away somewhere else with its good deed for the day done.

So, basically I was not much of a popular figure among the dogs, which was a pity. When I was a small kid the dogs used to be pretty friendly with me. The puppies especially loved me while the parents acknowledged me with an approving nod. Those were the days. But with the erosion of time, as I grew taller and bigger the dogs first ignored me and then started collectively hating me. Thats life.

Anyways, the distance between my office and that comforting bed at home was 3 dogs. 3 goddamned dogs. Two of them were stationed a few minutes away from office and the other dog, whose ferocity was matched only by its disdain and hatred for me, was a few minutes away from my home. I set out towards my journey watchfully and cautiously. The thing is, all that caution and watchfulness kind of makes you want to pee. Its one of those mysteries of life. A little bit of context is necessary here. I was walking on the streets of India. There is a saying that in America you can kiss on the streets but not pee. India on the other hand, you cant kiss there publicly. No sir. But when you pee on the streets hardly anybody gives a damn. Now I find peeing on the road particularly distasteful. Its shows lack of civic sense and all that jazz. But there are exceptions to the rule. Especially when I am the one who is peeing. This time around it was kind of an emergency so it had to come in the exceptional category. The next step was to find a private place to pee in. The ideal location was a dog free and people free location. And there it was. The perfect place. The oasis in the desert. I hurriedly walked to the location and started the process. Ah, what bliss. Unfortunately, before there could be a happy ending,  I heard a dangerous growl a few metres away from me. And then incessant obnoxious barking from another dog. It was the 2 dogs. The pair of lunatics who had undying loathing towards me. I was literally caught with my pants down. A strange philosophical insight occurred to me at that moment. If you search for something really closely you will tend to miss it if its right under your nose. I had miraculously managed to miss looking at the dogs when I was finding a place to pee. I was abruptly jolted out of my philosiphising of fundamental arguments when the two dogs started approaching me in an unfriendly manner. I instinctively pulled up my zip and bolted from the scene as fast as I could. I somehow managed to get lost in the crowds and was able to outwit and outrun the dogs who were chasing me as if their life depended on it. It was a close shave and I had come out of the battle unscathed. Well, to be honest, almost unscathed. In my hurry to flee from the battle scene I was not able to complete the business that I had set out to do in an orderly manner. The dogs had interrupted when the fountain was flowing in all its glory. The end result was an event that normally occurs to small kids when they are sleeping. I believe that a storyteller should never forsake realism and should always safeguard it. But some details can be omitted, especially in exceptional circumstances, if you know what I mean.

Now there is a reason for me punishing the readers with an in-depth analysis of my ill-mannered bathroom exploits. There is a very practical lesson in store for the reader who paid attention to the story. The lesson is that do not, intentionally or unintentionally, pee in a dog's territory. No matter what the urgency or emergency. And especially if they harbour deep, inexplicable and murderous resentment towards you. Dogs dont take too well to competition in territorial matters. You pee on their territory and you are asking for trouble.

After that brief but scary encounter with these two dogs I carried forth with my journey. Now only one dog separated me from my destination. And there it was. Around 100 metres away from me. We looked at each other. Neither of us making any move. It reminded me of those western movies where 2 enemies keep looking at each other and are about to pull a gun any moment. Basically, I had two options. The first option was to be brave and walk past the dog anyway. Hoping that the dog gets confused with the apparent foolishness and lets you go. The second option was to be safe (Or be a coward. Depends on the way you see it and which side you are on) and take a longer route to my home which would circumvent the dog. Obviously, I opted for the safer route. The dog, as I had previously mentioned, was pretty ferocious.

Even though the safer route would increase my travel time by 5 minutes it would ensure that I would land up 200 metres ahead of the dog while taking the lane to my home. I congratulated myself for being a sensible person and for outwitting another one of the dogs once again. I had almost reached the lane to my home when suddenly out of nowhere that giant, unfriendly, monstrous and ferocious dog leapt into the road with only a few meters between us. It was an ambush! I was completely taken by surprise and was virtually caught with my pants down yet again. The last time the dogs chased me, there was a teeming crowd which helped me get away. But this area was almost deserted. Also, this would be my second sprint in a matter of minutes and thus would not be able to sprint as hard due to tiredness. Taking everything into account, the odds of me evading that dog were on the lower side. If I had to bet, I would give myself a one in twenty chance. I had to shake myself off from my mathematical meditation as the dog started approaching me and I could almost imagine a grin on its face. I sprinted away as fast as I could. But as I had foreseen, the dog was winning the chase and would be on me any moment. Just when all hopes seemed to be lost, a kid on a bicycle came to my rescue and threw a handy stone at the dog. The stone missed, but the dog was startled by the entry of a third force. This called for a change in strategy. The dog had not accounted for allies who would come to my support. If you see it from the dog's perspective, the bicycle would seem like a tank and the stone would seem like a bullet. The dog made the tactical decision to go for prudence rather than valour. And quietly and sulkingly retreated to its territory.

I thanked the wonderkid for his unexpected help and support and awarded him with an ice-cream for his valiant efforts. The kid was happy with the ice-cream but I have a feeling he felt sorry for me. I was hoping that the kid could accompany me till my home but unfortunately our paths diverged at a park some 300 meters away from my home. We shook hands graciously and separated as friends while parting. All alone, I decided to sit in the park for a while. I was tired with all that sprinting and running around and wanted a breather. And, uh, I was waiting for the coast to get cleared. You never know, the dog might be lurking around for another ambush.

I sat on the first bench I could reach. Two small kids and a maid were sitting on the bench next to me. One of the kids was a boy of around 3 years and his elder sister was around 6. The boy seemed like a pain in the neck. A bit like me when I was a kid. His sister on the other hand, seemed to be in love with that rotter. She played with him, told him stories and held him affectionately. The rotter was a jerk but. He would make a big scene when his elders told him to not play in the mud. When nothing worked, his sister pulled out her trump card- a packet of chips. The rotter's eyes were wide open now and he was greedily eyeing the packet. The sister was struggling to open the packet. After eventually opening it, she took a couple of chips in her hand and offered it to me. "Here Uncle, have some chips." she said sweetly. Though I was a bit offended at being called an uncle I was touched by her offer and thanked her for the chips. The rotter was staring at her furiously for distributing the treasure to strangers. While she was handing me the chips, he had grabbed the packet and was guarding it close to his chest. He gave a few chips to the maid but refused to give any to his sister. The sister was trying to cajole him but to no avail. The maid offered some of her chips to the sister but she steadfastly refused even though I could see she was tempted to have one. I then heard her saying "We should offer it to everyone should we not". The punk responded by giving one more chip to the maid but none to his sister. I thought to myself "I really hope I have a daughter. Sons are nothing but punks and rotters"

The sister was then telling the maid "You know how the other children at school make fun of me. They say I am Ak Ak Ak Akshata. As if they are sneezing". The rotter had a sadistic smile on his face as if enjoying his sister's torment. That's when I decided that enough was enough and intervened. I approached the sister and said " Thanks again for the chips. And Akshata, you are a good girl".  "Thank you Uncle" she replied shyly but happily. Then, with as much depth in my voice as I could muster I told the rotter "You should give some of those chips to your sister". The rotter turned from bully to pussy in front of authority and immediately offered a handful of chips to his sister. "Thats like a good boy" I replied and left from there. When I looked behind my shoulder, Akshata was happily putting chips into the mouth of that rotter.

I carried on my journey towards my home. It wasn't too far now. The bed and the book were beckoning. I was looking around carefully for another ambush from the ferocious dog but the surprise came from another source altogether. A cow and a smaller bull were galloping straight towards me!

"Woooooooooooooooo" I cried and jumped away in the nick of time while the cow and the bull passed me dangerously closely. The Cow and the Bull were excited because the smaller Bull was trying to hump the larger Cow. And the Cow was either not interested and was looking to avoid the Bull or it was trying to find a private spot in a hurry. The Bull was making repeated attempts to climb the Cow. The Bull's penis kept coming in and out and was sharp and pointed. It reminded me of a Swiss Knife I had seen. In and out. Sharp and pointed. "You bloody motherfucking Bull. That Cow is old enough to be your mother" I thought and proceeded towards home. I finally reached home and opened the gates to my apartment while warily checking for crazy creatures around the corner. It felt good to be home and to be alive and kicking.